you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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