All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
