You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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