it was like eating out sand paper
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So here I am, sexting at work.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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