If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
