I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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