my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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