On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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