Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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