This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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