Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
