she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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