I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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