Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
