im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
