I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
this just has baby written all over it
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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