god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
