just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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