see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
