She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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