he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
