Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
