i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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