u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
