There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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