Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
