I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
