I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
