corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
