Umm I'm too high to move.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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