If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You smell like a Billy Joel song
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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