god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
