I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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