2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
