I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
