already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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