margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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