How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
