yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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