Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
