gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
