I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
