I faked an abortion last night.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
