I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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