So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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