we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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