A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
