laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
be right there i have to get my cape
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
