She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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