He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
