By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I want to fling myself into the sun
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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