Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
