Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
