Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
