Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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