So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
