In the future we'll all be gay
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
