You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
