you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
