You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
