She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
They took my balls.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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