Plan B is the new Plan A
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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