.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
